Meet My Muse

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Silly Boys

A couple weeks ago, my friend Ellen blogged about who she'd find attractive if she were a man, and she asked her DH who he'd find attractive, too. Now, we women didn't have a problem 'fessing up to what hot chicks we'd be into were we male. But the guys were all suspicious. Where we trying to test their manhood? *gasp* Give him a beer, then another, and another for good measure, and then he'll answer. ;)

So yesterday it came up again. I was talking to my friend Kait about Mr. Honey's reaction to her yummy Thursday guy. Mr. Honey's exact words were, "Holy shit, what are you doing looking at that guy? I can't believe you're looking at him. I have to turn around. This is just too much. Hello, that guy's half-naked!"
Er, not really. Of course he didn't say all that. He said it in a man-way: *grunt* "Ugh. I can't comment on that."

So, Kait and I were talking. And we agreed women look at it all different. What do women do when they see a picture of a hot woman? They look closer for the airbrushing. Classic example: Victoria's Secret. Those models are either airbrushed, or else Vicoria found all twenty models of the world who have no nipples.

Posted by Honey :: 8:15 AM :: 41 Comments:

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Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Blue Lint Special

I went shopping for new towels the other day. Mr. Honey and I have had the same towels for many years now, and most of them were cheap towels to begin with, so it was time to move on to bigger and fluffier things.

Problem is, I forgot about that wonderful characteristic of new towels calls LOTS of LINT. That store should be called Lintens & Things, or Bed, Bath, & Lint. Take your pick.

So, these puppies are big, fluffy, blue towels, and they shed worse than a sheepdog on a sweltering July day in the South. No big deal, really, until you're sitting in your first meeting of the week and notice the boss staring at you. And that weird guy you wish would drop off the face of the earth is also staring at you. Is he staring at your chest? Good god almighty, does the man have no shame?

You move your hand to brush a fuzzy thing off your face and realize your arms have sprouted blue hair. And when you cross your eyes, your nose kinda has a bit of a blue tinge to it, as well. And betcha anything your pantyhose have grown little blue lint extensions, too. (Obviously this story has been fabricated for the purpose of making a point, because Honey would never, ever wear pantyhose to work.)

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when you get new towels.

So, the question of the evening is: How many washings does it take to get the bad lint off new towels? And along with that, how many changes of the lint trap in the dryer must we go through before our skin loses the blueish hue it's taken on?

And in unrelated questions, would you rather drink a Captain Pepper, or a Dr. Morgan? And if you need me to explain what those are, you're probably not qualified ot answer the question. ;)

Posted by Honey :: 10:11 PM :: 5 Comments:

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Friday, December 23, 2005

For the Young, and the Young at Heart

A few years ago, I stumbled across NORAD's Santa Tracker.

Watching the Santa Tracker takes me back to childhood, when I couldn't sleep Christmas Eve because Santa was coming. And Mr. Honey gets a kick out of the 5-year-old I turn into when glued to the internet waiting to see when Santa's coming to our house. :)

And because I'm feeling nostalgic, here's my favorite Christmas letter ever, because it encompasses the magic of Christmas for me.

Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus
The People’s Almanac, pp. 1358–9. (Originally published in The New York Sun in 1897.)

We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:

Dear Editor—

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O’Hanlon

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.


Merry Christmas!

-hb

Posted by Honey :: 5:11 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Tidbits

I don't have much time to blog today, but I thought I'd put a picture and a small snippet from our cruise out for y'all. :)

Until work lets up and until I get my creative juices back, let me leave you with a picture of the towel elephant and the first funny thing that happened on the ship:

Upon boarding the ship, we entered mid-ship with the elevators directly to our right and the stairwell directly to our left, about four feet apart. Two "active adults" stood in front of us. The first lady said, "Let's go up to the 12th deck and look at the pool!" To which the second lady replied, "Great! How do we get there? Are there elevators on this ship?"

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we like to call Acute Powers of Observation.
We also call that an excuse for the Honey family to laugh their collective bums off as they walk up the stairs.

Posted by Honey :: 5:30 PM :: 4 Comments:

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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Cruise Life vs. Real Life

Mr. Honey and I got back from our incredible vacation in the Caribbean the other day. It was wonderful. But unfortunately it made real life seem sort of sucky.

For instance, when we stopped on the road for lunch, we actually had to wait for a check before we could leave the restaurant. After a week of being offered free desserts every time we turned around, that was rather disappointing.

I asked Mr. Honey if our waitress had a strange accent. He said, "Yeah. American."

The world sort of rocked back and forth for a couple days. Now that everything's standing still again, I'm thinking of drinking heavily to bring the feeling back.

We now have to cook our own meals.

And put the meal on the plates by ourselves. Has anyone seen my garnish? It seems to be missing.

We also have to do our own dishes.

And laundry.

Strangers with cameras don't understand why I keep stopping in front of them and saying, "Cheese!"

They sent me home from work for wearing a bathing suit. Something about not putting on enough sunscreen. I didn't get it.

No matter how hard I try, I can't make an elephant out of my bath towels. Do you think I could hire someone here to do that for me every night?

There's now enough room in my shower to shave my legs. That's a good thing. At least, it is when I shave my legs. (Give me a break, here, it's winter time!)

I'm not sure if the toilet is actually flushing because it's so quiet. Man, you wouldn't believe the WHHOOO-OOOOSH! those vacuum toilets make.

Oh, yes. Now I have to manually flush the toilet. Good thing, because I'm automatic toilet deficient. No matter how many different ways I'd stand in front of the darn thing, it just wouldn't flush when it was supposed to.

And while we're on the topic of toilets... I'm actually sorta glad to not be hearing the ocean so much anymore. We all know what the sound of water can do...

And the worst of all - now I have to go back to work so I can afford to do it again. :)

Happy Sails to all of you!

-hb

Posted by Honey :: 7:25 PM :: 6 Comments:

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Sunday, December 18, 2005

Dude

My house is swaying back and forth like a ship. But it's No Problem, Mon! Had a bit of liquid sunshine on the way back today, and now must quit being jamming and feeling Hot! Hot! Hot! long enough to do some laundry.

More later. :) Missed you guys!

-hb

Posted by Honey :: 7:17 PM :: 4 Comments:

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Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The Meaning of Life

I don't really want to talk about the meaning of life today, but it caught your eye, didn't it? You thought you'd read down a little bit, find that Miss Honey knows all the answers to the questions of life, the universe, 42, yada yada yada... :)

Anyway, I've come across a few web pages I wanted to share, because I find they're both very relevant to life.

First up is Scott Adams' Dilbert blog. Where else can you go to get a comprehensive list of elements to put in a story to make it funny? Comedy writers take note: the master (Mr. Adams, not Miss Honey) has spoken.

Next is Miss Manners. She's apparently got a new etiquette book out, and MSN is posting excerpts. I laughed my fanny off at this little bit of advice. For those people to whom any of these situations ring true, it's probably not funny, but in my (currently) light-hearted view of the holidays, the list of signs you're a bit too into the holiday spirit had this irreverent Miss Honey busting a gut.

Finally, I got a most excellent, dude, forward at work today. I normally spit hairballs on those people who send me non-funny forwards (I am like french food, after all), but this one was nice. It's an Excel spreadsheet (geez, what am I, a walking Microsoft commercial?) that asks you to enter your name. Then it tells you what your ideal job would be based on some complex mathematical formulas and a list of jobs compiled by someone with quite a decent sense of humor.

In case you're wondering, my ideal job would be a Ho. If I just use my first name, I'd be a nun. My alter ego's name would make a good Porn Star with just a first name, and my alter ego's full name would make a good insurance fraudster. As you can see, I have lofty goals for myself.

Any takers? Want to know what your ideal job would be? *cackle, cackle*

Posted by Honey :: 5:34 PM :: 9 Comments:

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Sunday, December 04, 2005

Pea Soup (aka Peas and Dumplings)

Mr. Honey's gone off to play this week, so I decided to make my mom's turkey and dumpling recipe for dinner tonight. Leftovers are the greatest invention of the modern world. Imagine, cook once, eat for days. Who'da thunkit?

But that's not exactly the point. See, my version of turkey & dumplings involves taking some chicken broth, random vegetables from my fridge & freezer, and whatever turkey we happen to have, and throwing it all in a pot and letting it simmer for a while. Then I add Bisquick dumplings, which are like the second-greatest food ever, right after chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven. Okay, maybe there are a few other foods better than bisquick dumplings, but I don't think so tonight.

The only ambiguous part of this recipe is the vegetable part. Today, I found baby carrots, an onion, and frozen peas. In my zealous quest to make my soup, I used all the peas at my disposal. As a result, I have pea soup. As in, there must be three hundred peas for every piece of shredded turkey in the pot. So, as I sit here eating my peas and dumplings, I have to wonder where my common sense was hiding while I was tossing vegetables in the pot. I've decided it's already on vacation.

Let the world be warned. I'm on the loose without common sense this week.

Posted by Honey :: 6:36 PM :: 5 Comments:

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Saturday, December 03, 2005

Brain Candy

Mr. Honey and I leave in a week for our tropical Christmas gift to ourselves. Woo-hoo! Since we're going to be far, far away from technology (or we would be, if the damn cruise ships didn't now carry cell phone towers, GRRR), Mr. Honey and I will have to entertain ourselves the old fashioned way.

When one of us has exhausted the other, then we'll need other old-fashioned entertainment ideas. I'm taking books. But I haven't decided yet what my poolside and beach lounging reading should be. Janet Evanovich has a couple re-released romance novels from my prudish days that I haven't read yet. Mr. Honey and I will be perusing the bookstores in a little bit looking for other fun authors as well.

So, what do you read on vacation? What's your brain candy, or your sinful literary indulgences?

Posted by Honey :: 3:57 PM :: 4 Comments:

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Friday, December 02, 2005

Tag-o-rama

Thanks to Kait for the tag. :)

15 facts about books and me...

1. I love books. :)
2. I took enough lit classes in college to get a minor, but never filled out the paperwork.
3. I love it when a book is so good that when I finish, I want to go back to the beginning and start all over again.
4. My first love of reading came from the sports page, not books.
5. I've never thrown a book across a room when angry with it. Instead, I beat it against the nearest flat surface. Notice I didn't say hard surface, because I've never been known to beat a book against my head.
6. I can't read Tolkein. There's only so much showing and telling of tree leaves I can handle before I'm fast asleep.
7. I have a bookshelf full of classics that I mean to read one day but probably won't get to for a very long time.
8. My first disappointment in a book came when the movie "The Secret Garden" came out in the early 90's. It was the first time I was faced with the fact that movies aren't as good as the books, and aren't always accurate, either. I guess that's not a book disappointment, but more of a reality check.
9. I'm not very adventurous when it comes to new authors. But if a friend recommends something, I'll try it. If I like it, I'll buy another. If I really really like it, I'll recommend it to another friend.
10. Janet Evanovich and Jennifer Crusie are my modern literary heroes.
11. Some days I spend more time searching for the right bookmark than I do searching for the right book to fit my mood.
12. I'm a bear to live with when I'm in the middle of a really good book. At times like these, Mr. Honey could tell me he and the boys are going sky-diving over the ocean and then will try to catch a great white for dinner and I'd just sorta grunt in agreement.
13. I've never read The Nora or Mary Higgins Clark. (I realize this puts me in a small circle of romance heathens just a step above book burners, but there you have it. My deepest, darkest secret has just been revealed.)
14. If a book makes me laugh, I like it. If a book makes me wet my pants, I suggest it to friends.
15. I love books. :)

And I tag... Laura Drewry and the Alphabet Girls Gone Wild!

Posted by Honey :: 12:23 PM :: 6 Comments:

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News of the Day

Otherwise entitled, Stalling on the Tag.

So, there's a big literary award that was announced today. It's the Bad Sex Award. Just goes to show you can get an award for most anything these days, including sucking. Come to think of it, sucking may have helped this dude avoid an award.

Bad Honey!

Back later with my compiled Book Facts list. :)

Posted by Honey :: 8:53 AM :: 2 Comments:

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