Tuesday, January 31, 2006

A Spaghetti Story

One day, when I'm famous, I'll be the poster child for geeky klutzes everywhere.

Yesterday, all day long, I contemplated getting home from work, changing out of my work clothes and into a dark t-shirt, and making spaghetti. So, what did I do when I got home from work? Yup, you guessed it. I changed into a light-gray t-shirt and made spaghetti.

And I got spaghetti sauce all over it. Okay, not all over it, but the shirt is definitely spotted in places. And Mr. Honey just stood there, shaking his head and chuckling (as is appropriate, seeing as I do things of this nature quite frequently).

Yesterday morning when I got ready for work, I started to grab my red shirt. I told myself, No, don't wear red today, wear it tomorrow when you take leftover spaghetti to work for lunch. So, I wore light blue yesterday. And this morning I put on my red shirt, because I was going to take leftover spaghetti for lunch.

Except I didn't bring spaghetti for lunch. As I knew I wouldn't when I got up this morning, because Mr. Honey asked me last night if I'd like to go out for lunch instead, since he's going to be in my relative neck of the woods at lunch time. So, there's no chance I'm going to spill spaghetti sauce on my red shirt. But if I'm lucky, I might toss some salsa down my front. And the geeky klutzes of the world will cheer and offer me one of those Tide marker thingies to get the stain out.

Posted by Honey :: 8:50 AM :: 7 Comments:

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Sunday, January 29, 2006

Out, Damn Song! Out!

I spent most of today reading the last 450 pages or so of Diana Gabaldon's Outlander. And now I have that stupid song stuck in my head. You know, the one about the scotsman who got too drunk, passed out under a tree, and two girls came along to see what God had graced him with upon his... you know. And they tied the blue ribbon around it, and when he woke up, he told it, "Lad, I don't know where you been, but I see you won first prize"? Yeah. That song.

And I've lost my voice. Not my speaking voice, but my writing voice. Whenever I get into a book that I'm reading (especially a book that's 850 pages long), I find it takes a few days to shake out my own voice again to a point that I recognize it, much as I can recognize my own voice, that is.

In case you're wondering, Yes, I enjoyed the book immensely. Went right out to Amazon and put the rest of them on my wish list.

Posted by Honey :: 8:53 PM :: 7 Comments:

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The White Screen of Death

Mr. Honey and I went to our cheap local theater last night to catch Chronicles of Narnia for a second time. Since this particular little theater is only open Friday and Saturday nights, and only for one showing of one movie each night, it was a pretty full theater. We got in with 5 minutes to spare before the movie started, and sat near the back on the side so we could sit on the aisle. As soon as I was settled, Mr. Honey went back to the popcorn stand to stand in a very long line.

He got back to our seats just as the movie started. And then, five minutes later, just as Lucy discovered the wardrobe, the screen went blank. It was the white screen of death.

There was a pretty good crowd last night, and they were all pretty good-humored about it. About a dozen people jumped up and ran to tell the manager what had happened, and within a minute the movie was back on. Kind of a relief, actually. I'd hate to see a riot over technical difficulties happen during a kid-friendly, Christian-centric movie, wouldn't you? Sorta would've told you something if it had happened that way, don't you think?

Anyway, the next two hours were great (with the exception that Mr. Honey and I agreed we liked it better the first time), and then, just as good had triumphed over evil, but with one sibling laying seriously injured from battle... You guessed it. White screen of death again.

So, Mr. Honey and I did what any mid-20's DINKs who knew how it ended would do. We made a beeline for the exit and were the first people out of the parking lot, home before the credits would have started rolling.

It was a nice date out. :) Hopefully this isn't a sign of things to come at our little cheap theater. Sometimes we go there to see movies we haven't seen yet.

Posted by Honey :: 8:17 AM :: 2 Comments:

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Friday, January 27, 2006

Introducing the "Why?" Chronicles

The Witch has retreated back to her corner, but Honey's got a few things to say today. Okay, one thing, really.

Have you ever watched somebody do something, or looked at a gadget, or a widely accepted practice (cheeseheads?), and wondered why? Well, I do from time to time. So, I'd like to share with you my observation of why? from this morning's drive to work.

Why do people tailgate? What's the point? Does it get you where you're going any faster? Looked to me like the guy who was right on my tail as I left my neighborhood got stopped by the same stoplight I did after he passed me. Looked like he didn't get any further ahead in the rat race of life for following me at 2 feet instead of a car length or two. What if a squirrel had darted out in front of me? Hello, I'm a girl. I get jumpy when little furry things (or feathered things, for that matter) jump in front of my car. Leads to reactions such as, oh, I dunno, braking?!?! What if a little girl had jumped out in front of my path and I'd slammed on my brakes? Would that guy have time to react, to stop before slamming into the back end of my car and causing me to run over that poor little girl? Or what if he'd skidded around me and hit the little girl himself? Then we got from the simple little task of trying to get somewhere faster to a funeral. How's that for fun?

I know, I know, I'm just a glowing happy person with my little prophecy of doom this morning. But, really, how's your blood pressure when you're riding someone's ass? How's your disposition when you finally get where you're going? Did that 30 seconds make a big difference in making your day more productive? Or did you spend five minutes when you got where you're going bitching about that damn slowpoke in front of you on your way out of the neighborhood? Point is, I'm not intimidated by bright headlights right in my rearview mirror. You hit me when I'm going the speed limit, it's not gonna be me paying the ticket and repair charges. Won't be my insurance going up.

And that's today's why?

Hopefully next time I'll be funny. :) Anybody know which of my personalities is the preacher?

Posted by Honey :: 8:21 AM :: 8 Comments:

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Thursday, January 26, 2006

Meet The Witch

Don't you just hate grumpy days? You know the days I'm talking about. You don't necessarily wake up on the wrong side of the bed, but something is cosmically wrong in your universe. It's as though all the happy, cheerful personalities have teamed up against you to remove all optimism from the little slice of life that is uniquely yours, such as your office, your car, your home, your yard, your everything. And it's all grumpy, grumpy, grumpy. Good thing I've got 7 happy personalities to counter this. But where have they all gone??

Posted by Honey :: 12:59 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

How to mess with your coworkers, Part III

Invite the office perv (aka the married guy who can't stop flirting with anything that breathes and has boobs) into your area for an early-morning chat. Let him wink, flirt, compliment, even ogle, until he's blue in the face, then watch as he sets his hand down on the back of your 17-inch ancient beast of a CRT computer monitor, crosses his feet, and proceeds to lean on said computer monitor.

Then laugh hysterically when the monitor repositions itself under his weight, scaring the perv half out of his mind. Smile supportively when he announces he has to go check his blood pressure. Blog about it when he asks that you not tell anyone it happened.

Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Posted by Honey :: 7:34 AM :: 5 Comments:

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Sunday, January 22, 2006

And I thought I was weird...

This morning in church, before Mass started, our church secretary stood up front making announcements as she always does. It seems our parish priest had some sort of surgery on his mouth this week. Doctor's orders are that he doesn't speak while he heals.

So, our secretary, with the wisdom of parish secretaries with 30+ years of experience, explained to us that, "Father won't be saying Mass today, because he had mouth surgery and as a result can't sneeze or bend over."

Um, huh?

Posted by Honey :: 10:57 AM :: 10 Comments:

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Thursday, January 19, 2006

My Eight Personalities

When I left for work yesterday morning, I told Mr. Honey I was off to Personality Training. He replied, "Bring home a good one!"

Well, I did a little better than that. I brought home eight.

A couple weeks ago, I took an online Myers-Briggs personality test. The basic premise is that all people's personalities fit into one of sixteen different types. You've probably seen references to ESTJ or INFP personality types, or any of the 14 others. As it turned out, the only thing the test clearly indicated for me was introversion. But I already knew that. :) Point is, I could fit into any one of eight of the sixteen personality types with just a couple different answers on the test, depending on my mood for the day.

So, without further ado, I present my eight personalities.

Of course, my favorite personality is Honey. But from time to time you may also see visits from Maud, Princess, Isabel, Ana, Jojo, Misty, and The Witch. Don't mind them if they happen to pop in. They never stick around long. But part of Maud is always with me - she's my engineer. And of course The Witch often runs hand in hand with Honey. Keeps things in order. Thinks a lot to balance out Honey's feelings.

I try to keep Princess away from Misty. They're just too alike, although Princess has just a bit more intuition, while Misty tends to use her senses. They disagree a LOT. Isabel and Ana tend to get along pretty well, though.

And then there's Jojo. She's my abnormal personality. I blame all the weird things I do on her. Er, that's not true, actually. I blame all the weird things I do on Honey. But Jojo likes to take the blame anyway. She's kinda needy that way. I really don't understand her at all.

So, there you have it. My eight personalities. I hope you like them all. One may be coming to a bookstore near you soon.

Posted by Honey :: 2:44 PM :: 12 Comments:

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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Pringles Problem

I am addicted to Pringles.

Don't give me any of those flavored ones, it's a waste. I just want the plain old Pringles in the red can (or silver... low-fat's fine with me). Don't screw 'em up with any fake seasoning stuff.

I get up in the morning and all I can think about is how long it'll be until I can break into the Pringles in my bag lunch.

I eat Pringles for dessert.

I ask Mr. Honey to make duck lips out of Pringles, and then laugh myself into hysterics when he obliges me.

Once I pop, I can't stop. It's true. Sad, but true.

Posted by Honey :: 6:51 PM :: 4 Comments:

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Three Day Weekend-itis

I've discovered a new malady. It's called 3-day-weekend-itis and it runs rampant this time of the year.

See, what happens is, over the holidays (aka the time between Thanksgiving and MLK Day), we as a work force are given 5 free holidays. That's 5 free, get paid for sitting at home in your pajamas watching TV, days. All in less than 2 months time. Add in that extra vacation time that many of us manage to sneak in over the holidays, and we've essentially only worked 3 weeks out of each month. For some of us, the holidays start sooner, with Veteran's Day.

What's the result of all this?

Three-Day-Weekend-itis. And I've got it bad with a capital B-A-D. I don't wanna work a 5-day work week next week! I love my 3-day weekends!

But then the world-wise, sympathetic, humanitarian Honey kicks in.
"Shame on you! There are people out there who can't get jobs, whose families go hungry, and you're complaining about free time off!?!? I can't believe this. I have GOT to find someone else who needs a spunky muse with great hair, flawless skin, and perfect fashion sense. Lord knows you're not using me for my full potential anyway, Honey. I've seen some of the clothes you wear. You need me, Honey. You really do. So quit feeling sorry for yourself!"

So, I'll try to look on the bright side of things. Ah, yes. I've got good news. I get personality training at work tomorrow. That should be fun. Which personality do you think I should take?

Posted by Honey :: 4:10 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Monday, January 16, 2006

Karaoke Revolution

Last week, Mr. Honey and I went out with a bunch of friends and ended up at a coffee shop. While we were there, we were fortunate enough to witness very bad karaoke. We were grateful that all we’d chosen to do to embarrass ourselves in the coffee shop was to demonstrate our utter lack of knowledge about 90’s pop culture trivia. But I had to admire the couple who were singing for having the guts to do that in public. Seriously, you’ve gotta have steel cojones to do that, you know?

Anyway, after witnessing these people playing Karaoke Revolution, a couple of our neighbors went in search of the game. They found it. And they’ve played it a lot lately. So yesterday, after dinner with a couple of them, Mr. Honey went to bed and I chose to stay up way, way too late seeing what all the fuss was about.

Turns out, you don’t have to sound good to be good at Karaoke Revolution. You could be Kermit the Frog and kick some serious booty at this game, provided you can carry a tune. The whole object of the game is to sing into a microphone along with whatever song the game tells you to, and hit the right notes. You could sing, “This game makes me feel like a nincompoop” over the words, provided you do it at the right pitch.

And wouldn’t you know it, I got to demonstrate my skills to the tune of a Whitney Houston song. That’s right, folks, I got to sing “I will always love you” in front of my neighbors last night. And the embarrassing part was, I kicked serious ass. Now my neighbors know how I spent my formative years – warbling along to 90’s pop music until I could sing it in my sleep. I think their eardrums may be sore today.

You don’t think they’ll think any less of me now, do you?

Posted by Honey :: 11:11 AM :: 3 Comments:

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Sunday, January 15, 2006

Kids say the darndest things...

Somehow, I've managed to surround myself with young'uns lately. (Yes, I know, I qualify as a "young'un" to many of you out there. Let me finish.) These little whippersnappers between the ages of 0 and 7 have seriously cracked me up lately.

First up was dinner Friday night. It was girls' night out, but three of the 5 of us brought kids. (I was not one of the 5, because Mr. Honey and I have yet to make a honeybun.) Two of the ladies I was with shared an entree. They each threw money into the pot to pay for their meal and their respective son's meal. When the change came back, there were a couple dollars (tip money) and a $10. They couldn't agree on whose $10 it was, so they sat there for 5 minutes shoving the $10 back and forth across the table. (I'm not kidding, I watched this that long and didn't get bored.) "No, you keep it, it's your change." "No, I had this $15 margarita and you didn't. You keep it." And then the one little boy settled it for them. He started chanting, "Fight! Fight! Fight!" He's like, 6 years old! So, the ladies got up on the table and starting clawing at each other's hair and pulling their clothes off for mud wrestling. Er, or not. But the gentlemen in the restaurant would have appreciated it.

Yesterday, I went to a scrapbooking event at a friend's house. She's got a 4-year-old. When the little girl came out in her pajamas, she got to say hi to all of the ladies gathered there. When my friend introduced me to her little girl, my friend said, "Look at how long Miss Honey's hair is, sweetheart. Wouldn't you like to have hair that long?" And the little girl's eyes got real big, and she shook her head and very forcefully said, "NO!" Smart kid. Long hair weighs a lot. Neck strain. (I love you, Mr. Honey, and I'm not planning to cut my hair anytime soon.)

Today I made a baby cry at lunch. That's not a very exciting story.

When I was in high school, my baby sister was just starting kindergarten. My prom date came to pick me up, and my baby sister took one look at him and yelled, "It's okay, Dad, you can put your shotgun away."

Anyway, that's all I wanted to talk about today. Now back to Alter Ego edits. Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day tomorrow.

Posted by Honey :: 4:03 PM :: 6 Comments:

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Saturday, January 14, 2006

Thank you, Mr. Silver Truck Dude

To the dude driving the little silver truck that peeled out in front of me in the left turn lane to do a big ol' U-turn last night as I was going to dinner... Thanks.

Really.

My car wasn't dirty enough to warrant a real washing, but now that it's covered in the mud flung from your tires, Mr. Honey and I will be spending our chilly Saturday cleaning it up. I'd like to see out my front windshield again.

Thanks. I mean it.

Posted by Honey :: 10:14 AM :: 6 Comments:

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Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Underwater Basket Weaving

So, a question posed over at the Alphabet Girls Blog got me thinking about underwater basket weaving.

Back in college (aka geek school), I used to joke with my sorority sisters about that wonderful cake class, underwater basket weaving. And I always wondered, but never asked, how the hell those underwater basket weavers held their breath so long.

Then Martha Stewart demonstrated how it's actually done, and I felt like a complete and utter dunce.

But, I survived long enough to tell my tale, so that you all can see just what sort of odd things go on in my mind. And learn from my mistakes.

Moral of the story is, never assume scuba gear is necessary when all you have to stick underwater are your hands.

Posted by Honey :: 5:39 PM :: 5 Comments:

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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Great Snark

The past few months, I've lurked at the feet of the greatness that is all things Snark.

If you haven't met Miss Snark for yourself yet, today's the day you need to run over there and get acquainted. Today, fellow aspiring writers, is the day she warns us against turning into this person. She gives such an eloquent response to a question I hope to never be guilty of asking.

I don't ever want to fall into the same trap as this snarkling. None of us are infallible. You won't ever catch me (seriously) claiming to be, either. We all make mistakes, and in the perfect world of Honeydom, we all strive to be better. While I've never taken a poll of the literary behemoths of today and yesteryear, I'd bet a good chunk of change that the great majority of them could find something wrong with their masterpieces.

My mss need work. They're not perfect. Could I sell them as they are? I dunno - I haven't even begun the querying process. All I know is, my best is the best I can give it. And that's what I'm going to give.

I know I need confidence if I'm going to get published. Confidence and some thick skin. I've got some stored up. But what I don't need is arrogance. Do me a favor, okay? If I ever begin to sound like Miss Snark's misguided snarkling, please knock me down a notch or two. Or sixteen. Whatever it takes.

Posted by Honey :: 3:54 PM :: 4 Comments:

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Monday, January 09, 2006

Pooped

Yesterday, I began editing my finished ms at approximately 11:00 AM. I finished at 11:00 PM, taking a few breaks for the essentials (food, drink, potty, internet). There's still lots of work to do - this was my first sweep since setting it aside to let the dust settle in late October. I had help from several very generous Alphabet Girls, and now I'm going to go back through my ms with a fine tooth comb and copies of all the wonderful, thoughtful, and incredibly helpful comments I received from these ladies.

But after a long day of work, I'm pooped. :) I came down off my "I finished the first round of edits!" high about 7 this morning. Ironically enough, that's the same time I rolled into work. Huh. Lucky for me, though, it's unseasonably warm here (did Spring come early?), so I'm going to go see if the muse has anything she wants to tell me. Then it's off to cook dinner and settle in to prep for more edits and a Soup Girls Chat tonight.

-hb

Posted by Honey :: 3:34 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Saturday, January 07, 2006

How to mess with your coworkers, Part 2, and a Philosophical Observation

How to mess with your coworkers, Part 2:

Call up your program manager on her day off to invite her to lunch. When you get her voicemail, pretend to hack up a lung, feign crying, and tell her the deadline for the project from Hell has been bumped up to today. Proceed to tell her voicemail that you think you're dying, you have to go home, and you're sorry.

Then giggle hysterically, say, "just kidding!", and wait for her to open a big ol' can of whoop-ass, because you know you've asked for it. Keep your fingers crossed that revenge will be appropriate, and that you'll be graceful enough to take it well when the whoop-ass is finally served.

RE: How to mess with your coworkers, Part 1:

Mr. Honey and I went to a bar last night. This is normal behavior for a Friday evening. Halfway through the evening, I excused myself to Mr. Honey and made my way to the bathroom.

Upon entering the bathroom, I observed that the temperature in the bathroom was exactly 43.2 degrees lower than the temperature of the bar. (Note: the bar temperature is usually nipply in winter and suffocating in summer. Last night the bar was actually heated appropriately, for which I was very grateful.) When I had finished with my business in the bathroom, I had a ring of cold around my ass that stayed with me for quite a while. My companions were polite enough to not ask why we women were walking funny all night. Guess they didn't want to hear about frozen assets. Mr. Honey had that look in his eyes like it was a conspiracy to keep the women cold for the enjoyment of the men.

So, maybe it wasn't a coworker messing with the thermostat in the office the other day. Maybe it was something else.

Is it possible that all bathrooms are kept at exactly 43.2 degrees lower than the surrounding areas for a reason? And if there is a reason, what could that reason be (aside from the standard answer of horny men)?

Posted by Honey :: 12:36 PM :: 5 Comments:

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Thursday, January 05, 2006

How to mess with your coworkers, Part 1

Office life is fun. There's so much you can do to annoy other people around you.

Such as putting a password on the thermostat.

Somebody must have done that in my office today. While it was 70 and beautiful outside, it was 76 and steamy (not in the good way) on the inside. Except for in the restroom. Walking into the restroom this afternoon was like having one of those lessons from Kindergarten.

Hello, boys and girls. Today we're going to talk about hot and cold. Say it with me, boys and girls. Hot and cold. Is boiling water hot or cold? That's right, it's hot. Is ice hot or cold? Correct. It's cold. Why does your daddy tell you not to touch the grill? Very good. Because it's hot. What happens when you go to Honey's office on a warm day in January and walk into the restroom? Absolutely correct. Thermal shock. Sudden blue titage, er, tintage of the lips and uncontrollable shivering. Whoops, sorry, forgot I was in the classroom. Ahem. Now then, moving on. Let's discuss the alphabet. Can anyone tell me a word beginning with the letter F?

Moral of the day: Do not password-protect the thermostat. Or, in my case, don't make it difficult to figure the darn thing out. We're in a digital age, people.

Posted by Honey :: 6:35 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Monday, January 02, 2006

Rainy Movie Day

It's been 60-70 degrees outside since mid-week last week. The last 24 hours, it's rained and poured off and on, along with thunder and lightning and the occasional tornado watch. So Mr. Honey and I are watching movies and drinking tea (him) and hot chocolate (me). Yummy! As soon as Will Ferrell stops showing his belly button in Starsky & Hutch, I'm going to continue watching instead of blogging. :) And then, I'm going to read a book. At least, I'm gonna read until I have to start editing. I don't figure it'll take long. Beginnings aren't my strong suit.

Happy January 2!

Posted by Honey :: 10:57 AM :: 2 Comments:

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Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year!

I hope everyone's doing well, and that no hangovers remain at this hour of the day. All hangovers have been banished from the Honey household already.

Since many of my friends are posting their goals for the year, I thought I'd post mine, too.

1. Lose 6 more pounds this year.
2. Finish editing AE
3. Get my PRO pin (like Kait!)
4. Get an agent
5. Get a contract
6. Keep my house clean
7. Keep my sanity
8. Be a good person

Okay, that's all the sappiness I can handle for today. Hope you all have had a great 2006 so far!

-hb

Posted by Honey :: 7:40 PM :: 3 Comments:

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